A DAY IN THE LIFE OF JOE REPUBLICAN
“Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because
“With his first swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication.
“All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because
Joe’s employer wants him to be healthy so he can remain productive.
“He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because
“In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents,
“Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because
industries are run by normal people, who also value clean air and have balanced the emission of harmful chemicals with the need to keep the cost of doing business low.
“He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees, but he pays much more at tax time,
“because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor, even those who never ride the subway or benefit in any direct way from its existence; even the parking lot attendant and the autoworker. (Incidentally, they both lost their jobs because of a lack of new business).
“Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because
“Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer
“If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed,
“It's noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression. The bank has to pay insurance premiums for FDIC coverage, which lowers the interest rate Joe gets on his savings account, but that’s ok because banks have failed at a higher rate since the Federal Reserve and the federal government started regulating the banking industry and mandating that banks make unprofitable loans.
“Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. The parking lot attendant and the autoworker are happy to help Joe out, even though they have actually suffered because of Joe’s use of these government subsidies; I’m glad to help, too.
“Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country,
unfortunately, it has been condemned by the local government and given to The New York Times for a new branch office.
“He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because
“He arrives at his boyhood home, which is now a parking lot for the Times’ building.
“His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification;
of course, Joe’s father thought about forming a co-op with fellow farmers to use wind, solar, and geo-thermal power, but they didn’t want to spend the money when the coal-fueled electricity the government put in is so much cheaper.
“He is happy to see his father, who is now retired and living in the parking lot of the Times building.
“His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to; incidentally, Joe pays a few thousand dollars more in payroll taxes every year than his father receives in Social Security benefits.
“Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day.
“Joe agrees: “We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves and those they love, just like I have.’”
Joe, I couldn't agree more.